A few mornings ago I decided to duck down the main street of what’s considered the “downtown” where I live. It’s a quaint little street full of boutiques, eateries, coffee shops, gift shops, yoga studios and a few other odds and ends. It’s historical. It’s beautiful, especially on a misty early morning driving towards Lemon Bay.
My breath caught in my throat as I approached the coffee shop. The beauty of the morning warmed my heart and elicited a sigh.
When I came back to my car with my Americano and homemade blueberry scone, I was feeling pretty ok. As soon as I allowed myself to wallow a little deeper in the pleasure of the morning, I began to feel really sad.
I started to cry, the ugly cry, and I had one heck of a time gathering myself before I could go into the office. Once into the office, as soon as I continued texting with my bestie..the ugly cry was kicked up a couple of notches, and I started all over with the gathering of self.
I was feeling sad because it feels wrong to “like” something about living here, like a betrayal of the angry parts of me. I had a similar moment a couple of weeks prior as we crossed the bridge onto Boca Grande and I saw the turqouise water, instant tears.
My best friend will say: “Finding joy in the little things is what makes all the other shit worth it”. I responded that it’s much easier to just feel mad.
When I shared these feelings with her she pointed out that “here” doesn’t have to be forever, and somehow that took so much weight out of the sadness.
The fact is, now that hurriane recovery is winding down (although we are STILL fighting for insurance funds) I have so much more time to F E E L. I have been on auto pilot for much of the last year and a half.
Feeling is hard though, isn’t it? It’s messy and complicated.
Here’s where I landed: I live in a beautiful place that many people pay lots of money to visit for short periods of time. I have access to the most beautiful Gulf waters and wild nature areas. I share those with the most beautiful and unusual fish, mammals and seabirds…(The birds here are one of my favorite things)
“HERE” doesn’t have to be forever, but it is “right now” and I intend to appreciate and enjoy it as much a possible, which hopefully appeases my inner angry girl, and she flexes a little less in the future.